So I ranted a lot yesterday... I guess I was having an extra bad day with a whole lot of "hate myself feelings" thrown in.
I know I have a lot to work on myself. I struggle to change myself and I keep falling but I don't want to give up... I can't give up - my health, my life, everything is at stake.
So I will keep trying, and I will keep pushing, and I will keep picking myself up.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Understanding Us
Most slim, small sized people who have been that way for most of their lives don't understand us. Some will say that they understand how we feel, or what we are going through, but in actual fact they don't. How can they when they have never been fat in their whole lives??
I see the looks people give me when they walk past. The disgust or smirks on their faces are obvious. I envy those slim people. They get to look good without even trying, they can walk into any shop and pick the clothes they want off the rack, they can look hot and sexy without even trying! Of course, if they don't exercise (which I know a lot of slim people like this), then they are not necessarily healthy inside - but at least they don't have to feel what we feel. Then there are the sales girls at clothing stores that will come up to you and tell you that there is nothing in your size. And they don't say it discreetly. They say it out loud and other customers turn too stare at the fat girl. I hate it!
So what do we feel?
We feel worthless and ugly and inferior. We hate ourselves and yet we struggle to change ourselves because we just don't think we are good enough or we don't believe we can. We beat ourselves up everyday and every time we see people looking the way we want to look, we feel even worse about ourselves. We feel unwanted and unloved. Which guy would want to be with a fat girl???
We feel hurt every time people make fun of us. One of my uncles did that to me my whole life. He thought it was funny and he also thought that by making fun of me and insulting me, it would push me to do something about it. But it didn't! Instead it just made me feel worse about myself and I just continued to turn to food for comfort.
The pain is worse when it is caused by family. The people who are supposed to love you and help you make fun of you. I have a friend who is much much bigger than me (over 300 pounds) who wanted to audition for the Biggest Loser Asia and instead of encouraging her, her parents and sibling made fun of her and told her not to bother auditioning because she wouldn't make it! And whats worse, after someone made a snide comment about her, her father doesn't want to walk next to her in public! How can a father who is supposed to love your child unconditionally be embarrassed of her?? Gosh, it just amazes me!
Anyway, back to the topic. People see us and make fun of us because they don't understand us. They say that we are lazy and useless and that is why we are this way. Hello! There are a lot of great successful people who are fat. Look at Queen Latifah, Pavarotti and Oprah Winfrey. Are they lazy, are they useless?
Why can't people understand us? At least, why can't they try?? If they made an effort to try to understand us, then maybe they could help us.
And to all you sales people of slimming products, STOP BUGGING US!! I hate it when the sales people standing by the Slimming centre booths in shopping malls spot me from afar. Their eyes will light up and you can see them getting ready to pounce on you as you get nearer. And they come after me even when I keep on walking and point out my weight issues (Duh! like I don't know that already?)!! And again, not discreet!
And I can't tell you how many times I have been stopped by Herbalife distributors at shopping malls, near my office, everywhere!. Gosh! I even was followed by one at the Bangkok airport and she went on and on and on and forced her card on me. Then on the plan, the guy sitting next to me also started pitching me about Herbalife (turns out there was a whole group of them who had come to Bangkok for a Herbalife convention and were taking the same flight as me back to KL!).
Guys like my husband are a rare breed in this world. There are not many men who would see beyond the outer looks and see the beauty within. But yet, my husband also doesn't understand the pain and self loathing that I carry around with me. He was never fat. He was skinny growing up and just bulked up in later years. Yes now he is probably about 3 or 4 kgs over his ideal weight but that is so different.
I wish I had got on the Biggest Loser Asia show. Being with other people like me who understand me and being able to be secluded and work out for hours everyday and be pushed beyond what I think I am capable off, I know it would have worked wonders for me.
Now all I want is for people to try to understand me and stop hurting me and making fun of me. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it. You might think that you are giving advise or trying to help, but you are NOT. So just leave me alone - and this includes FAMILY.
I see the looks people give me when they walk past. The disgust or smirks on their faces are obvious. I envy those slim people. They get to look good without even trying, they can walk into any shop and pick the clothes they want off the rack, they can look hot and sexy without even trying! Of course, if they don't exercise (which I know a lot of slim people like this), then they are not necessarily healthy inside - but at least they don't have to feel what we feel. Then there are the sales girls at clothing stores that will come up to you and tell you that there is nothing in your size. And they don't say it discreetly. They say it out loud and other customers turn too stare at the fat girl. I hate it!
So what do we feel?
We feel worthless and ugly and inferior. We hate ourselves and yet we struggle to change ourselves because we just don't think we are good enough or we don't believe we can. We beat ourselves up everyday and every time we see people looking the way we want to look, we feel even worse about ourselves. We feel unwanted and unloved. Which guy would want to be with a fat girl???
We feel hurt every time people make fun of us. One of my uncles did that to me my whole life. He thought it was funny and he also thought that by making fun of me and insulting me, it would push me to do something about it. But it didn't! Instead it just made me feel worse about myself and I just continued to turn to food for comfort.
The pain is worse when it is caused by family. The people who are supposed to love you and help you make fun of you. I have a friend who is much much bigger than me (over 300 pounds) who wanted to audition for the Biggest Loser Asia and instead of encouraging her, her parents and sibling made fun of her and told her not to bother auditioning because she wouldn't make it! And whats worse, after someone made a snide comment about her, her father doesn't want to walk next to her in public! How can a father who is supposed to love your child unconditionally be embarrassed of her?? Gosh, it just amazes me!
Anyway, back to the topic. People see us and make fun of us because they don't understand us. They say that we are lazy and useless and that is why we are this way. Hello! There are a lot of great successful people who are fat. Look at Queen Latifah, Pavarotti and Oprah Winfrey. Are they lazy, are they useless?
Why can't people understand us? At least, why can't they try?? If they made an effort to try to understand us, then maybe they could help us.
And to all you sales people of slimming products, STOP BUGGING US!! I hate it when the sales people standing by the Slimming centre booths in shopping malls spot me from afar. Their eyes will light up and you can see them getting ready to pounce on you as you get nearer. And they come after me even when I keep on walking and point out my weight issues (Duh! like I don't know that already?)!! And again, not discreet!
And I can't tell you how many times I have been stopped by Herbalife distributors at shopping malls, near my office, everywhere!. Gosh! I even was followed by one at the Bangkok airport and she went on and on and on and forced her card on me. Then on the plan, the guy sitting next to me also started pitching me about Herbalife (turns out there was a whole group of them who had come to Bangkok for a Herbalife convention and were taking the same flight as me back to KL!).
Guys like my husband are a rare breed in this world. There are not many men who would see beyond the outer looks and see the beauty within. But yet, my husband also doesn't understand the pain and self loathing that I carry around with me. He was never fat. He was skinny growing up and just bulked up in later years. Yes now he is probably about 3 or 4 kgs over his ideal weight but that is so different.
I wish I had got on the Biggest Loser Asia show. Being with other people like me who understand me and being able to be secluded and work out for hours everyday and be pushed beyond what I think I am capable off, I know it would have worked wonders for me.
Now all I want is for people to try to understand me and stop hurting me and making fun of me. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it. You might think that you are giving advise or trying to help, but you are NOT. So just leave me alone - and this includes FAMILY.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Beating Cholesterol
There are two types of cholesterol, good cholesterol (HDL) and bad cholesterol (LDL).
HDL cholesterol is good because it helps to remove cholesterol from the walls of the artery and dispose of them thru the liver.
LDL cholesterol is bad because it deposits cholesterol on the artery walls, causing the formation of a hard, thick substance called cholesterol plaque. Over time, cholesterol plaque causes thickening of the artery walls and narrowing of the arteries, a process called atherosclerosis.
Low levels of LDL cholesterol and high level of HDL cholesterol (low LDL/HDL ratios) are desirable.
Most overweight or obese people have high cholesterol. I should know! It is important for us to get our LDL levels down and increase our HDL level because this will help by :
* Reducing or stopping the formation of new cholesterol plaques on the artery walls;
* Reducing existing cholesterol plaques on the artery walls;
* Widening narrowed arteries;
* Preventing the rupture of cholesterol plaques, which initiates blood clot
formation;
* Decreasing the risk of heart attacks; and
* Decreasing the risk of strokes. The same measures that retard atherosclerosis in
coronary arteries also benefit the carotid and cerebral arteries (arteries that
deliver blood to the brain).
(taken from http://www.medicinenet.com)
So what do we need to do?
First - Go get a lipid profile test done. You need to know what your numbers are so you can work on fixing it
Next - Eliminate high fat foods and eat oats for breakfast everyday
AND - Exercise! Get at least 30 minutes of walking done everyday. It will make the difference
High fat foods to be avoided or reduced significantly
Red meat - This includes pork, beef and lamb
Alcohol
Seafood - This includes squid (sotong), prawns, crabs and cod fish.
Sweet desserts
Foods high in refine sugars or carbohydrates
Good food to eat
Oats
White meat - Chicken (without the skin!), turkey, fresh water fish
Anything with low saturated fat
And don't forget, drink lots of water!!
Here is to all of us getting our GOOD cholesterol UP and BAD cholesterol DOWN!
Good Luck :-)
HDL cholesterol is good because it helps to remove cholesterol from the walls of the artery and dispose of them thru the liver.
LDL cholesterol is bad because it deposits cholesterol on the artery walls, causing the formation of a hard, thick substance called cholesterol plaque. Over time, cholesterol plaque causes thickening of the artery walls and narrowing of the arteries, a process called atherosclerosis.
Low levels of LDL cholesterol and high level of HDL cholesterol (low LDL/HDL ratios) are desirable.
Most overweight or obese people have high cholesterol. I should know! It is important for us to get our LDL levels down and increase our HDL level because this will help by :
* Reducing or stopping the formation of new cholesterol plaques on the artery walls;
* Reducing existing cholesterol plaques on the artery walls;
* Widening narrowed arteries;
* Preventing the rupture of cholesterol plaques, which initiates blood clot
formation;
* Decreasing the risk of heart attacks; and
* Decreasing the risk of strokes. The same measures that retard atherosclerosis in
coronary arteries also benefit the carotid and cerebral arteries (arteries that
deliver blood to the brain).
(taken from http://www.medicinenet.com)
So what do we need to do?
First - Go get a lipid profile test done. You need to know what your numbers are so you can work on fixing it
Next - Eliminate high fat foods and eat oats for breakfast everyday
AND - Exercise! Get at least 30 minutes of walking done everyday. It will make the difference
High fat foods to be avoided or reduced significantly
Red meat - This includes pork, beef and lamb
Alcohol
Seafood - This includes squid (sotong), prawns, crabs and cod fish.
Sweet desserts
Foods high in refine sugars or carbohydrates
Good food to eat
Oats
White meat - Chicken (without the skin!), turkey, fresh water fish
Anything with low saturated fat
And don't forget, drink lots of water!!
Here is to all of us getting our GOOD cholesterol UP and BAD cholesterol DOWN!
Good Luck :-)
Friday, September 4, 2009
Week 2 Progress
Body Weight : 94.6kg (down by 1kg)
Body Fat : 38.8% (down by 0.3%)
Water : 39.1% (up by 0.3%)
Body Fat : 38.8% (down by 0.3%)
Water : 39.1% (up by 0.3%)
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Where to Shop for Clothes for Plus Size Women in Malaysia
I hate that it is so hard to get clothes for us big people here in Malaysia. And not just clothes, but stylish clothes and for the younger crowd.
Don't they realise that most fat women start being fat from when they are young? So teenagers and young adults need clothes too.
In Australia, there are so many stores catering to Plus Size women. Not just clothes, but lingerie and swim wear as well. Suprising though, when I went to New York, I couldnt locate stores specialising in Plus Size clothing; but I did find plus size clothing at Walmart and at this other 2 stores... but it was limited though. I bought a work suit from there, a 2 piece swimsuit and a long tube dress which I adore :-)
But here in Malaysia?? Not much choice. Here are a list of places that you can get your plus sized clothes from.
Ms Read (designs are more for older women but nice clothes - I buy my work clothes from here and I have a black gown from here which I am keeping to where at my cousins wedding)
Total Women (also the same)
Scarlet (cheaper option, boring clothes though - carried by Jusco)
FYI (has nicer options for the younger crowd but their maximum size is a 5 which is equivalent to an 18 in Ms Read so for much bigger people, you can't get yours here)
Joan Allen (usually carried in Metrojaya)
Anyone else know of good places to buy clothes?
Don't they realise that most fat women start being fat from when they are young? So teenagers and young adults need clothes too.
In Australia, there are so many stores catering to Plus Size women. Not just clothes, but lingerie and swim wear as well. Suprising though, when I went to New York, I couldnt locate stores specialising in Plus Size clothing; but I did find plus size clothing at Walmart and at this other 2 stores... but it was limited though. I bought a work suit from there, a 2 piece swimsuit and a long tube dress which I adore :-)
But here in Malaysia?? Not much choice. Here are a list of places that you can get your plus sized clothes from.
Ms Read (designs are more for older women but nice clothes - I buy my work clothes from here and I have a black gown from here which I am keeping to where at my cousins wedding)
Total Women (also the same)
Scarlet (cheaper option, boring clothes though - carried by Jusco)
FYI (has nicer options for the younger crowd but their maximum size is a 5 which is equivalent to an 18 in Ms Read so for much bigger people, you can't get yours here)
Joan Allen (usually carried in Metrojaya)
Anyone else know of good places to buy clothes?
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